By William Loeffler
TRIBUNE-REVIEW
Sunday, February 3, 2008

Few utterances can evince the queasy dread of "We need to talk."

It's the emotional equivalent of receiving an audit notice from the IRS.

Pat Love would like to banish this pestilential expression from all marriages.

No, Pat Love is not a guy trying to muzzle all the nagging wives. As co-author of "How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking About It," she says her publisher purposely included her full name on the cover of the book, which she wrote with fellow therapist Steven Stosny.

"They wanted 'Patricia' so (readers) will know it's not two guys writing this book," she says.

In their book, which comes out in paperback in April, Love and Stosny argue for nonverbal demonstrations of love instead of talking a relationship to death.

Men, they say, want closer marriages "but not if they have to act like women," and turn into talkers.

Women, they contend, are vulnerable to fear, which makes them draw closer to their husbands. Men, who are sensitive to shame, often interpret their mates' anxiety or unhappiness as a failure on their part. This dynamic, they say, is chiefly responsible for the archetypal kitchen-table scenario where the wife wants to talk and the husband hides behind his newspaper.

"The main focus of the book is think connection, not communication," Love says. "When men and women are connected, men talk just as much as women. They even talk about feelings. Men actually like to talk about feelings, but they have to have that connection."

Love and Stosny examined the innate differences between men and women by studying attachment theory, evolutionary psychology, behavioral science and neurophysiology.

"Women talk to connect, but men have to connect to talk," Love says.

In her view, actions speak louder than words. In a chapter titled "The Power Love Formula: Four and Three-Quarter Minutes a Day to A Powerful Relationship," she suggests you hug your partner six times a day for at least 6 seconds each time.

"The average hug is 3 seconds or less," she says. "Six really makes an impact that you're different than the neighbor or the kids or my mother. It's really more romantic. It just says that 'I'm making contact with you beyond the average.' "

Bill Linkenheimer Jr. of Ross, concedes that a book that prescribes less talking is "interesting." But in the 44 years he's been married to his wife, Elaine, he never regarded talking about the marriage as burdensome.

"It's not like you sit down and take an hour and talk," says Linkenheimer, 74. "If you've got situations and issues, you discuss it, obviously."

Relationship expert and author Cele Fichter-DeSando, who hasn't read the book, agrees with some of Love's assertions -- but not all.

"I'm not sure that talking is the problem," she says. "I think that only talking when there's a problem is the problem.

"For instance, I can talk about exercise all I want. But if I never get up off the couch, I'm not going to be any healthier. Same thing in a relationship. If I just rely on words -- 'You never tell me that you love me,' 'We never talk' -- that's meaningless. Do you treat me well? Are you going the extra mile to make me safe or special?"

But Fichter-DeSando is dubious about books that oversimplify the stereotypes of the strong, silent male and the chatty, intimacy-hungry female. She says she knows a lot of guys who love to talk, for example.

"I think that puts people into categories. I think that makes conversation more difficult," she says. "That's the problem I have with books that give a formula that says men do this and women do this. I think there are many, many differences in the genders, and that's wonderful. We want to celebrate that. But, I also think that we are human before we are a man or a woman."

For Betty Rapin of Penn Township, the scenario of nagging wife and stonewalling husband played out in the first year of marriage to her husband, Richard. It was the second marriage for them both.

"If I wanted to bring something up, he would get angry and walk away," she says. "I would follow him into the backyard and say 'You're not getting away with this.' "

The couple has learned to "disagree agreeably," she says.

Michelle Sechrist of Mt. Pleasant and her husband, Ken, accumulate good deeds for each other in the event a conflict arises.

"Loving actions when times are good can help to get past hurt feelings later," she says.

It's a simple matter to connect nonverbally, she says.

"You take interest in the things that your partner likes. I never liked sports, but when I married Ken, all that changed. We now enjoy going to games together. One thing that I love to do is buy little things for him. Many times these are sports-related items. It shows him that I pay attention to what he likes.

"There are days that he will make the bed, or fold some clothes. And it always seems to be the days he sees that I am exhausted. I don't even have to tell him. He knows me that well to know I need that little boost."

Susan Dunhoff, owner of the Modern Matchmaker in Squirrel Hill, agrees that telling a guy "we need to talk" is like suggesting they rent "Devine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood."

"It turns a man off," she says. "Not all men, but most men. You almost have to learn other nonverbal ways of expressing yourself as a rule."

Her suggestions?

"Hugs are one way," she says. "A surprise kiss if someone is very busy and stressed and working in a home office and you give them a surprise kiss. Sending an 'I love you' card. Bringing home his favorite dessert. Or maybe him bringing home one perfect red rose."

Relate like a ROCK STAR

Patricia Love, co-author of "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It," has devised four ways that each man can connect to his wife, and vice versa. She uses the acronym ROCK STAR:

Men connecting to women

• R is for Routinely connect: Hug your spouse six times a day, for a duration of at least six seconds each time.
• O is for Open your heart and mind: Women want to know what are your thinking, what are you feeling -- but not really. They want to know all the good things you're thinking about them.
• C is for Contact: For a woman, it's all about contact. Even if you're reading the paper, let your foot touch hers.
• K is for Keep it positive: Make a conscious effort to think about the good things in your relationship.

Women connecting to men

• S is for Sex: There's a reason men seem to want sex more. That's where men get the biggest hit of oxytocin, the same hormone that prepares women for motherhood and helps them breast-feed. A study cited in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that oxytocin can help social bonding by building trust.
• T is for Touching: Men need two to three times more touching than women do, flesh on flesh, to experience the same sense of closeness. Men are touched deprived.
• A is for Appreciation: Appreciation goes a lot further with men. Men live on it.
• R is for Respect his routine: Women can multitask, but men tend to focus on one thing. So don't think he's ignoring you if he's involved in a task, such as typing on the computer, and he doesn't answer you right away when you ask him where the car keys are.